Bleh....

Well, when I miss doing an It's Monday meme, and then miss the Tuesday Teaser Meme, then I KNOW something's off with me.

I'm not sure what's up, I just haven't even felt like checking my e-mail,

Or...GASP!!!!!

harvesting my crops on Farmville,

collecting my money on Citiville, or

doing ANY of the thousands of quests on Frontierville.....

The only thing I've managed to do with any regularity at all is to kill some zombies on Zombie Lane, and even that has been done half-assedly.

I have been reading but

I've been letting my crops on Citiville, Farmville and Zombie Lane wither and die.

I spent a couple days outside in my backyard soaking up some sun, which felt very nice. Thankfully those were a couple of very mild weather days

I've also been taking my dog and grandchildren for walks when they're over visiting...

I took my granddaughter to a birthday party that we were invited to, and where I knew only the host - who spent the whole time away from the party, getting food ready. I was extremely uncomfortable and only stayed so my granddaughter could play with the kids yet most of the time she spent on my lap - venturing out once in a while to try to play with a couple of the younger kids.

There was a pinata, where she wasn't assertive enough to jump in and dive for the candy. She didn't get any of the candy, but there was a little boy - around 8 years old, who gave her a little bit of his candy. I thought that was very sweet - and then she actually passed it on, by sharing a couple of her few pieces with her cousin when she got back to my house. That's a huge deal for her, because she has sharing issues - although I've noticed that it's mainly sharing of things like toys, the letter L, and the t.v. shows she likes to watch that she has trouble with.

Going to this pool party/birthday party reminded me of just how much I hate socializing with people I don't know. I thought that I had gotten over this a little bit - but looking back, whenever I've gone anywhere, I've had family around me as buffers. Work doesn't seem to count in this, but I hate meeting new people, I am extremely uncomfortable in social settings and I am horrible at making small talk.

If I'm at a party and no one talks to me, I just clam up and feel miserable the whole time. I have no idea what to say, I don't even want to leave my seat, the whole thing is very painful.

Horrific even.

I appreciate being invited to things, but usually I feel a very strong panic at the thought of going somewhere.

Really - the minute someone mentions going to a restaurant, or going to a party my heart starts to beat faster and seems to echo in my ears.

I feel like I can't quite catch my breath (and that's ALREADY hard enough)

It continues with even the THOUGHT of trying to find the place, if I'm the driver and have no one else (older than four) to go with me. Then I start worrying about parking - am I going to find a parking spot?

Will I have to walk a long ways?

Will I find the right apartment?

What if I end up at the wrong place? (really, I actually worry about this)

What if no one talks to me? (and this pretty much happened on Saturday - besides a quick hello, no one made an effort to say anything to me, and I just felt tongue tied and more and more panicky as the day went by. It was obvious that all the others knew each other, and I was really the odd man out - it felt awful)

What if I spill something? - My granddaughter actually spilled a whole cup of soda - luckily we were outside at the pool, so no biggie.

The lists of worries and possible disasters continue to loom in my mind until I'm able to leave.

I've never been SOOOO glad to make it through to the end of the party, as soon as the presents were open, I was ready to go.

OH Well, the social torture is finished now, and I'm definitely going to avoid any more situations like this in the future - it's too damned uncomfortable. If I can't get anyone (older family members) to go with me, the hell with it. I don't enjoy feeling tongue tied and nervous the whole time, not knowing anyone but the person who invites me - and then not even seeing her until the end of the party. I totally understand that she had a million things to do, but man - it was hard for me to deal with. What a nut I am.

I'm not sure how I even ended up married. My husband long ago decided he wanted to date me (I was fifteen, he had just turned 18) and he would take me to these parties where I was so painfully shy that I couldn't even hear what people were saying. Those were the days when every one was smoking weed, snorting coke, etc. I would try a few hits of the weed and then feel even MORE shy - and of course my then boyfriend would get up to go say hi to someone and I would be left there sitting by myself, with no one to talk to - my eyes must of been huge and round - I felt like a deer in the headlights. I would actually hear a roaring in my ears - that's how nervous I was. We sometimes ended up in arguements after, because it always felt like he was gone for hours and he didn't understand how hard it was for me, or even why I just couldn't have fun - talking to complete strangers. Hell the only people who would talk to me at the time were a few creepy guys - like the father of one of the teens who thought he was Joe Cool. Aging hippie who would sit and smoke weed with all his son's friends and flirt outrageously with all the girls.

How did I ever end up married? My husband must have been very determined.

Later as I had children, they would serve as buffers between me and the outside world.

I don't know how I ever ended up hired either - but somehow I managed to get a job here and there - but that whole process was just as daunting as making smalltalk with strangers. That's probably why I would end up staying in jobs for so long after I outgrew the work. Who knows?

With all of this - I don't even know how I end up writing anything at all on this blog. But there are many times that I post something and I'm pretty sure that NO ONE is reading it. I'm not sure if I feel better when there are no comments or if I'm upset when there are no comments.

On one hand, I would like to think that people are reading and yet at the same time I'm mortified that someone might read what I write and think it's just stupid.

Same goes when I think about leaving comments - after all, how many different ways can people say, "Hey - I like the look of the books you're reading",

or - "Nice review"?

I seriously feel like I'm just saying the same thing that's already been said...over and over

LOL - sometimes I want to say things like "Are we even reading the same book?" or "did you read the EnTire Book?" (because sometimes it doesn't seem like it from some of the complaints I read in a review) or "How can you enjoy this book with the lame dialogue and idiot characters?" I sometimes even think things like "CONNECT? why does everyone have to CONNECT with a character! It's FICTION!, FANTASY even" (yeah, sometimes I get a little.....stressed)

Other times, I'm amazed that people might have the same opinion that I do about a book, although it always surprises me that I have never ever heard any one else complain about dialogue that doesn't fit the characters.....I must be the only one that this matters to. It matters enough to ruin a reading experience for me. How come no one else notices?

And then I come full circle back to - who the hell CARES what I think? I can't even hold a conversation with people I don't know unless I have a couple young kids around to take the attention off me, or other family members around to take on the conversation pressure.

So - now we're back to me feeling a little off this week. Maybe I'll be back to my normal only partially dysfunctional self by next Monday and I'll be able to post a book meme.

Maybe I'll be able to put up a teaser, and maybe someone will actually read it -

Hopefully I haven't totally embarrassed myself with this post - I'll probably re-read it later and delete it....maybe

LOL = maybe this 51st birthday thing is getting to me.

Maybe it's the whole peri-menopause thing that is still gripping me....

maybe it's just the whole health crap thing, with the pain and lack of energy...

Maybe I'm just bored

Maybe I'm just borING